


buy a money clip… engraved???

by Weisster



Category: TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M, Sex Jokes, Sexual Humor, i don't even T H I N K i'll be able to make the relationships like how, like t e e n a g e r s, not @ the boys but just, they all hate each other??? but Dont, when, why, you know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-09 15:29:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18919831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weisster/pseuds/Weisster
Summary: taehyun: he can't even get coochie





	1. dogs.

_ soobin changed name to möm _

 

möm: just saw tatis video on my recommended and the first thing that went through my mind 

was "UGH THIS OUGHT TO BE GOOD" so yea im basically a möther now

 

taehyun: whats up möther give me some malk

 

möm: excuse me what did you just say? 

 

kai: he said he wants molk

 

möm: what the fU CK did yOU JuSt sAy?? 

 

beomgyu: i suck goat tits for a living

 

möm: h-

 

kai: Now You've Thrown Him Off His Rhythm

 

yeonjun: can i use beomgyus desperate attempt to earn money in my case to sue the school system

 

beomgyu: i am Right Here

 

yeonjun: no

vanish

 

möm: prince ea couldnt even sue the school system what makes you think that You Will? 

 

yeonjun: why is Nobody Supportive

 

taehyun: he cant even get coochie

 

kai: with that body? hard to believe

 

yeonjun: i pray to god every night that you guys will perish 

 

taehyun: feelings mutual

 

kai: like dogs? 

 

yeonjun: like dogs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prince ea can suck my ass


	2. HIT or MISS

möm: hit or

 

taehyun: miss

 

beomgyu: i guess they

 

yeonjun: never miss

 

kai: H U H

 

möm: you got 

 

taehyun: a boyfriend

 

beomgyu: i bet 

 

yeonjun: he doesnt

 

kai: KISS YA!

(MWUAH!)

 

möm: he gon find 

 

taehyun: another girl 

 

beomgyu: and he

yeonjun: wont

 

kai: MISS YA!

 

möm: he gon

 

taehyun: stand and

 

beomgyu: hit the

 

yeonjun: dab like

 

kai: W I Z K A L I F A

 

möm: you play 

 

taehyun: with dem

 

beomgyu: balls like

 

yeonjun: it’s

 

kai: SIFA

 

möm: you want

 

taehyun: every

 

yeonjun: level 

 

beomgyu: youre the

 

kai: LEA D E R 

OoH

 

möm: yOU USED TO 

 

taehyun; WORK AT 

 

beomgyu: WATER BURGER

 

yeonjun: AND NOW YOU

 

kai: POP YOUR PUSSY FOR THE WARNER BROTHERS

(get that thanks bro)

 

möm: S H OT S

 

taehyun: F I R E D

 

beomgyu: Y O U ‘ R E

 

yeonjun: F I R E D

 

kai: YOU’  R E W A SH ED 

 

möm: UP YOURE

 

taehyun: RET I R ED

 

beomgyu: Y OUR KITTY

 

yeonjun: LOO K SLIKE

kai: A F L A T  T I R E

 

möm: I BE T THAT YOURE GETT ING R E AL TIR E D

 

kai: (perfect!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wb6f-zTQ0UM
> 
> listen to this for clear skin


	3. watch buzzfeed unsolved or else im killing u

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> möm: you're LITERALLY spooning me

taehyun: i made a little girl cry

 

yeonjun: w hy

 

taehyun: i bent the spoon with two fingers she was gonna use to eat ice cream with

 

yeonjun: WHY

 

taehyun: the ice cream reminded me of someone jacking off to bojack the horseman porn and staring god right in the eye

 

beomgyu: what, and i say this with the utmost genuine concern, is w r o n g with you

 

yeonjun: it’s sad how this isnt the worst thing that has ever left his big mouth

 

taehyun: blame van gogh

 

kai: the man cut his ear off for a prostitute

 

möm: van gogh was MURDERED!!

 

kai: what

 

möm: why do none of you watch buzzfeed unsolved

 

kai: because you watch it

 

möm: the bullying,,,the RUDENESS

 

kai: soobin can, will, and should get eliminated

 

möm: youre literALLY spooning me

 

kai: Did I Stutter?

 

möm: his hand is interlocking mine now. send help.

 

beomgyu: yall are SICKENING

 

yeonjun: have you guys ever thought of calling yourselves something? like, partner, boyfriend, lover etc

 

kai: OPPONENT

 

möm: OPPONENT

 

yeonjun: NO

 

kai: soobinnie? baby bunny 

 

möm: kai? the cutest

 

kai: ew affection

 

möm: ew a gremlin

 

beomgyu: you guys were literally complimenting each other a few seconds ago what the fuc-

 

taehyun: destroy the stereotype that only girls have mood swings bcs the f u c k

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi


	4. JINXED

yeonjun: hey

 

möm: what now

 

yeonjun: *spills peas on the floor*

i just peed on the floor

 

möm: .

youre such a disappointment

 

yeonjun: people who wear sport jerseys of their favourite athletes are actually cosplaying but no one wants to have that conversation yet

 

möm: im leaving

 

beomgyu: and you wonder why youre single

 

kai: Can I Eat Your Kneecaps,,, Pls

 

yeonjun: hmm

no.

 

kai: f u c k

im about to do something give me a word of advice

 

yeonjun: dont fuck shit up and if everything fails eat ass suck a dick and sell drugs

 

kai: ur my inspiration

 

möm: WHATEHFKC FGUYSDB KAI

 

taehyun: im studying biology and it’s about Genes

 

beomgyu:   kai and yeonjun; possibly in a mafia gang

taehyun; Who Wants To Study Biology

 

taehyun: i’m bill nye the science guy Ask Me Cowards

 

möm: such a grumpy bill

 

yeonjun: yea it’s very nye-r face

 

möm: i pray for mercy yet i never recieve it

 

yeonjun: suffer.

 

taehyun: i would love to discuss more about your unresolved tension but ask me QUESTIONS

 

möm: our what

 

yeonjun: our what

 

taehyun: JINXED now shut up

 

beomgyu: oh i have a question!

 

taehyun: With What Knowledge Can I Feed You

 

beomgyu: yea my question is: how

 

taehyun: dick inside her pussy sunday!!!

ejaculate and emasculate

if you dont fight the spermies ya get the germies!

 

beomgyu: noted. thank u.

 

taehyun: no problem.

 

yeonjun: why am i so ugly

 

taehyun: ur parents

 

yeonjun: EXCUSE YOU

 

taehyun: yea im excusing myself right out of this situation

 

beomgyu: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN

 

möm: yeonjun you are not ugly if you say that again i WILL cry

 

yeonjun: huh

 

möm:  _ in front of you _

 

yeonjun: NO PLEASE DONT

 

taehyun: deal with it this is how i gained my confidence

 

kai: did you mean; narcissism

 

beomgyu: im halway there

 

taehyun: Any More Questions

 

kai: oh i have one!

 

taehyun: yeth

 

kai: both my parents have blue eyes yet i have brown whats the likelyhood of that?

 

taehyun: finally some Good Fucking Questions

well since blue eyes are  recessive

.

GUYS WHO WANTS TO WATCH DETECTIVE PIKACHU????

 

beomgyu: ME

 

möm: ME

 

yeonjun: ME

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanna watch detective pikachu FUCK I REALLY WANT TO


	5. cannibalism

möm: the only normal thing about this chat is that yall have your REAL NAMES this is SICKENING

 

beomgyu: can i Try to be normal for once

 

yeonjun: grow up hetero

 

beomgyu: MÖÖÖÖÖÖM HE SAID THE H WORD

 

möm: 

do not go near my sons ever again

 

yeonjun: BRUH

 

taehyun: my “next on: yeonjun the problem child” senses tingled whats the tea

 

kai: he said the h word

 

taehyun: ,,,,dude,,,,thats l o w

 

yeonjun: THIS IS HETEROPHOBIA

 

beomgyu: youre not even hetero why are you so offended

 

yeonjun: oh yea thats right lol

false alarm guys!

 

kai: phew i thought we lost him

taehyun: the het is a pretty dangerous disease

 

möm: what are the symptoms doctor?

 

taehyun: emojis, over usage of lol/lmao/haha/hehe, toxic traits in a relationship is seen as cute, no use of keysmashes

 

beomgyu: oh god

thats Sick

 

taehyun: also if youre a guy, your toxic masculinity gets the best of you, thats Another virus

 

yeonjun: well thank god none of us are hetero

 

taehyun: it's a normal thing for kids to have, some dont, most have, a lot get over it as they emerge into adulthood

 

möm: if any of yall get the disease you better NOT bite me

 

kai: cannibalism.

 

möm: NO


	6. elmo

möm: we all have a silent agreement that beomgyu could kill us at any time and we would be grateful

 

kai: *black haired beomgyu

 

möm: black haired beomgyu.

 

beomgyu: Ah, Those Days Are Over

 

yeonjun: you dont have to be emo when you have black hair you do realise that right

 

beomgyu: put a black wig on me and fucking watch me

 

taehyun: truly a big switch of a character

 

beomgyu: *black hair on* i smile to hide how much im hurting deep inside

 

kai: emos have emotions? surprising.

 

beomgyu: i may have left the community but i’ll still fight for it

 

taehyun: not to crush your dreams but you cant leave the elmo community

*emo

 

kai: DYE YOUR HAIR RED YOU ELMO LOOKIN ASS BITCH

 

beomgyu: WHY ME

 

yeonjun: CAUSE YOU ELMO

 

_ möm changed beomgyu’s name to elmo _

 

elmo: WHY M E

TAEHYUN DID THE TYPO

 

taehyun: and it’ll be the last

 

elmo: WHY DO I GET PUNISHED FOR HIS SIN

 

möm: He Who Is Without Sin Shall Throw The Stone First

 

elmo: that doesnt even make any s e n s e

 

kai: *all women stepping forward to beat the shit out of men with rocks*

 

möm: IF YOU FOLLOWED THE BIBLE IT WOULD MAKE SENSE

 

elmo: NONE OF US ARE CHRISTIANSHJSBNXS

 

möm: JESUS CAME FOR EVERYONE

BE GRATEFUL HE DIED FOR YOUR SINS YOU ELMO KOREAN LOOKIN HEAD ASS

 

elmo: S T O P

 

möm: then beg.

 

elmo: .

continue the bullying

 

yeonjun: MSNDKSHJDKLS

 

kai: HSKDBHJSKL

 

taehyun: SDHJKSDHJKS

 

möm: im,,,,sl e ep,,,,Bye

 

elmo: his soul clocked out for the day ig ours need to do too

 

kai: well fuck u too

 

elmo: i??? was literally?? caring for ur wellbeing but go off i guess

 

kai: i dont need u to care for me thats cringey

 

elmo: love is cringey now?

 

taehyun: yea isnt that what emos think

 

yeonjun: "love is futile"

 

kai: "i'm so sick of this fake love"

 

taehyun: all quotes by you btw

 

elmo: S T O PPPPP

 

kai: oh? Does The Thought Of Your Emo Past Make You Cringe Mr. Choi?

 

elmo: ......n-no

 

taehyun: LIAR

 

yeonjun: YOURE GUILTY OF FRAUD

 

elmo: N O

 

kai: CAUGHT IN A LIE

 

elmo: FUCK O F F

 

taehyun: do emos deserve rights?

 

yeonjun: the answer is obviously a big fat no

 

kai: overruled

 

elmo: i-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should ex emos be ashamed???? lets discuss


	7. yeonjun likes ghosts? [NOT CLICKBAIT]

taehyun: i wanna be a nun

 

kai: you could never be a nun

 

taehyun: stop destroying people’s dreams

 

kai: im being reALISTIC

 

taehyun: oof the shade

where’s the sun

 

elmo: the sun is nowhere for sinners like us

 

taehyun: do you hear the church bells?

 

kai: ring ding ding dong

 

taehyun: DO YOU HEAR THE CHURCH

THE L O R D

 

kai: no :)

 

taehyun: imagine being holy

 

kai: cant relate

 

elmo: NOBODY can

 

taehyun: whos the most sinniest between us

 

elmo: *looks at you*

 

kai: *looks at you*

 

taehyun: ok but we need to explain and discuss

 

elmo: *looks at your actions*

 

kai: *looks at your actions*

 

taehyun: shut up beomgyu you rode a motorcycle when you were fifteen

 

elmo: YOU drove ME

WE WERE IN IT TOGETHER

 

kai: we’re all in this TOGETHER ~

 

elmo: shut up kai you were too much of a pussy to hop on

 

kai: well excuse me for abiding the LAW

 

_ möm changed taehyun to nun _

 

nun: thats fair

 

elmo: no it’s NOT hes not even holy

 

nun: did u forget that the catholic church is corrupted

 

elmo: f u c k

 

möm: nun and elmo r disowned atm kai is the only one i can slightly trust

 

kai: t h ank

 

nun: snitch

 

elmo: snitch

 

kai: YOU GUYS EXPOSED YOURSELVES

 

yeonjun: snitch

 

kai: WHERE DID YOU COME FROM

 

yeonjun: i was STUDYING but then i saw you being called a snitch and felt like i had to make an input

 

kai: soobin they keep on bullying me do something

soobin?

ms keisha?? ms keisha??? 

oh my fucking god she fucking dead

 

yeonjun: omg i almost ate the shell of a sunflower seed

 

elmo: coward

 

yeonjun: HOW

 

elmo: as a child i didnt even bother taking off the shell i just ate them like that

 

yeonjun: hope your food passage is scarred and forever damaged

 

elmo: thanks

 

kai: our way of throwing insults is so normal that i almost insulted my group mates in a group project

 

yeonjun: i’m in this group project and,,,,,the respect,,,,the boundaries,,,,,

the non toxicity,,,,our group chat could Never

 

möm: go and be buddy buddy with them then if you like them so much

 

yeonjun: dude

 

nun: well isnt SOMEONE a little jealous

 

möm: im not jealous

im just reminding him the door is open for him any time to leave

 

yeonjun: the way nobody wants me,,,,,,

 

möm: die alone

 

yeonjun: OUCH.

 

möm: im kidding youll never die alone youre stuck with me

 

yeonjun: thats. hauntingly comforting.

 

kai: Yeonjun Likes Ghosts?

 

elmo: [NOT CLICKBAIT]

 

yeonjun: N O

 

nun: dammit all these clickbait titles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i ate sunflower seeds without peeling them now i dont even eat seeds anymore


	8. Be Gay, Fight A Bear In Hand To Hand Combat

kai: one thing i hate about myself is how people think im this gold star jock so everytime we’re playing burnball they expect me to yeet the ball twenty miles south

 

yeonjun: you arent?

 

kai: S E E

the expectations are suffocating.

 

nun: people have expectations of you? surprising

 

kai: rude

some people actually see me for more than my dumb irrational decisions

 

nun: shocked and saddened by the news.

im contacting my lawyer.

 

elmo: i wonder how your mother feels about this

 

kai: my mother doesnt feel anything

ive never had a paternal figure telling me not to wrestle bears

so im gonna go in the forest near my home and wrestle a bear

 

möm: im your paternal figure now and im telling you for gods sake dont wrestle a bear

 

kai: dammit

 

yeonjun: buzzkill

i wanted to film the whole thing

 

elmo: and be prosecuted for indirect murder? idiotic

 

yeonjun: lets go baby i know the law

 

möm: no you dont sit your ass down and study

 

yeonjun: dammit

 

elmo: buzzkill

i wanted to take on the law

 

nun: as if

 

möm: youre not any better

 

nun: yeah but are you?

 

möm: yes.

 

kai: i forgot that soobin is the only one who can stand against taehyuns sassy ass

 

yeonjun: hes an inspiration to us all

 

elmo: we could Never


	9. ice cream satanist

yeonjun: beomgyu im gonna K I L L you

 

kai: omg tea what she do sis

 

yeonjun: hE BUMPED OUR ICE CREAMS TOGETHER AND THEN TOOK A BITE FROM MINE

 

elmo: that was literally tWO HOURS AGO

 

yeonjun: i took the time to emotionally process the situation so i wouldnt attack you like a rabid dog

 

_ möm changed yeonjun to ice cream satanist _

 

ice cream satanist: truly fitting

i love you soobin

 

möm: well thats a problem

 

ice cream satanist: how

 

möm: lets not talk about my issues for today

 

nun: - story of our life

 

kai: stop im still emotional over their split

 

_ möm changed kai to directioner _

 

directioner: this is not what i wanna be known for

 

elmo: you talk as if i wanna be known as elmo

and yet here we are

 

nun: we go down in history as our groupchat names not by the names our birthgivers gave us.

 

möm: tea


	10. how to train your dragon 1 is a great movie and if you disagree i WILL punch your teeth in and scatter them on your pillow

directioner: im literally pissing all over the F L O O R i LOVE how to train your dragon 1 literally gonna VOMIT

 

elmo: please dont piss all over the floor

it’s a pain to clean up

 

möm: HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON HAS THE BEST SOUNDTRACKS IN THE WORLD

 

directioner: I LITERALLY LOVE YOU WITH MY ENTIRE BEING LETS GET MARRIED

 

möm: MY HUSBAND UWU

 

nun: imagine being on your first date and the moment your date says “httyd has the best soundtracks in the cinematic universe” and you just propose right then and there

fucking geeks

 

directioner: THATS MY HUSBAND *ko’s you to hades*

 

nun: ugh at least hades will be a pleasant person to be with

 

ice cream satanist: bold of you to assume hades would find you pleasing

 

nun: then im taking over his throne

i would definitely trade my cat for cerberus

 

möm: dude

wheres the love

the affection

 

nun: ask that to my cat

 

elmo: cats are wholesome and just because theyre not as open and quick to trust like puppies yall trash them when in fact cats behave more human 

 

ice cream satanist: so basically what i am gathering is that we humans are sick of humans so we buy creatures that arent humans

 

elmo: i mean,

thats a way to put it

 

kai: you have a parrot why are you defending cats

 

elmo: you have ears why are you not using them

 

nun: OHOHOHOHOOOOOO BUUUURRRNNNNNNN

 

ice cream satanist: SGDJKSHDJKSDHJSKHDJSK

 

kai: THIS IS CYBER BULLYING

MÖM DO SOMETHING

 

möm: im a tired möther

 

kai: that's not what your penis says

 

möm: KAI IF YOU DONT SHUT THE FUCK: UP

 

ice cream satanist: well this is getting pretty heated

lets make a pun to lighten up the mood!

 

elmo: please no

 

nun: my homicidal instincts rise up when you make puns

 

ice cream satanist: what are the strongest days of the week?

sunday and saturday

the rest are just weekdays

guys stop sending me death threats in private

 

möm: im disowning you

 

ice cream satanist: -my mom

 

möm: .

yeonjun we talked about this :’((

 

ice cream satanist: WHAT

LET ME MAKE DARK JOKES IN PEACE

 

nun: There Shall Be No Peace In Thy Darkness

 

ice cream satanist: there is Now catholic wannabe

 

möm: everyones a wannabe here no one ever excels at anything

except for beomgyu

 

directioner: WHY DOES HE GET SPECIAL TREATMENT

 

möm: hes the only one whos nice

 

directioner: IM THE NICE ONE!!! I TELL YOU YOURE CUTE!!

AND BEOMGYU HAS DONE MANY MISTAKES HES A CRIMINAL

 

elmo: HEY

 

möm: everyone Makes Mistakes

at least he Grew From Them

 

ice cream satanist: no im pretty sure he didnt just today he aggressively whispered love poems

 

elmo: there is a REASON for that

 

möm: yea but,

love

 

directioner: i grow MUCH more better from my mistakes thats why im so tall

 

ice cream satanist: love the joke

 

directioner: thanks i hate myself for it

 

möm: the joke is a negative nine

your argument? invalid

but There Was An Attempt

 

nun: why a negative nine

why nine specifically

why not a hundred

 

ice cream satanist: because it’s a negative NEIN

 

nun: ,,,,

no

 

directioner: i’ll never do anything to anyone ever

 

möm: RUDE

 

ice cream satanist: dont be so dramatic and help people

 

directioner: No

 

ice cream satanist: or i could tell them about-

 

directioner: With What Do I Live To Serve You Master

 

nun: great i gotta kinkshame the fuckin geeks now

 

elmo: what

TELL ABOUT WHAT

 

ice cream satanist: and i oop-

 

möm: ill Find Out Soon

 

ice cream satanist: Oh Really?

 

möm: Is That A Challenge?

 

ice cream satanist: It Could Be

 

nun: nO TENSION IN MY CHRISTIAN HOUSEHOLD 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEN KAI SAID "thats not what your penis says" HE MEANT AS IN SOOBIN IS A BOY HE CANT BE A MÖTHER so yeah.

**Author's Note:**

> prince ea can suck my ass


End file.
